Going to start off where I finished later the same day. Stop making sense and just get on with it...
Stop when you reach the water.
A more relaxed start to this stage because I don't have to be at Harwich until 7.30pm, worst case. Very glad of the lie-in and also glad to see Il Tractore arrive to accompany me up the road for a while and it was a great surprise to see Dave Adam and his daughter (or one of them at any rate) Mia pitch-up for a quick hello. Terrific!
Good of you to take that puncture for me, hah-hah!
From there it was a leisurely trawl though Suffolk and into Essex. More nonsense...
Billy or Kirsty it's a great song.
A '68 GTX? Too much to hope for a hemi, right. Sounded glorious!
Yer Essex is a bit rural...not all TOWIE thank f**k!
Still raises a smile. Gold!
Oz & Dennis would be proud of that brickwork.
I plodded along to Harwich in time to dine lavishly(!) at the Brewer's Fayre...a load of Nederlanders were getting jollied-up for their crossing home, as well as a ton of scootering types...a mixed bunch to put it mildly, hah-hah!
Gotta say, apart from Stena's lamentable wi-fi it was a tremendous service. Albeit one that saw the loss of one very valued hour...ouch!
What was that I said about expecting one faff per day? A beautiful, fresh and sunny day greeted my early-doors stroll from this...
Standard last minute packing. Ah, the glamour of it all!
To the puryeyors of over-priced grebo....
Sheer quality.
My plan was to use the Wee Chef's wi-fi to load today's route, but of course it was as dead as...
No dramas- let's face it, we're talking about Magellan here, right? Wing it!
I pressed on eastbound and saw a few sights alright:
Can you dig it?
Not exactly Victoria Falls but laaaaahvly anyway!
Stacks of water towers = The Potteries. Fact.
So far, so good...especially as there was a handy westerly making the whole day easier: as my learned colleague Tony often offers, "it's better to be lucky than good." That's the most sense you'll ever get out of him all day long. More malarkey en-route...
"Breaking the law, breaking the law!"
The ignominy: dropped on a 5% incline.
Just 5 miles outside Leicester. Who knew?
What do they have on their telly at weekends then?
Windmills rule, even without sails.
More stealthy product placement. You'll all be driving around in JCBs eating 'bix tomorrow...
At 4.30pm I was about 25 miles from 'home' and steaming down the A1. Happy days- if I wasn't careful I would be in time to see Palace humble Sunderland 3 - 1. That's three goals to one. Anyway after a bit I see signs saying non-motorway traffic to bear left...oh dear...it took over two hours to find a way to tonight's bijou acco.!
The roads were so small (called 'droves') in places that they didn't register with Garmin and being the middle of nowhere (relatively speaking) there was nobody to interrogate. All hilarious stuff, really.
A.n.other made-up district name. Excellent!
I may be knackered but it's still bootiful!
So a few more miles than I wanted but no harm done: I still dined well and attempted to replace the calories that were expended. So it is business very much as usual!
I know that if you're reading this nonsense then there's a fair probablity that you've donated already...can I ask another favour? Please forward the link to this to your pals- if it means one more donation then it's worth doing. Cheers to you!
Alright then and here we go...stage one of a.n.other Gran Tour! As is always the way, you can expect at least one Gran Ffaf per diem. Them's the rules, and today's took the form of me forgetting my European Health Card which is a bit of a necessity given the destination, like. I f**king hope it remains unused, mind...
Just about the finest music. Bloke ain't toast either...lives in Knutsford. Close enough though...
The Cycling Gods showed compassion and provided me with at least four (4) free miles into Preston courtesy of a tractor. 'A' not 'The'. This one one was more fuel efficient by the looks of it!
20mph. Zero effort. My kind of cycling.
After that freebie it was the usual trawl with the added bonus of Friday traffic, but amazingly no real weapons out there and I did get a couple of horn-beeps in relation to my Heath Robinson 'mission statement' on the back of my saddle bag. At least I hope that's what they were beeping about. "Shift it you fat bast*rd" accompanied these well wishes. Ah, Wigan...
Gonna make it...full gaz!
From there it was attritional which you can take to mean as bloody slow and awful: anyone would think the Cycling Gods were taking a little retribution for not training hard enough. Erm, is it warm in here or is that just me?
Loved spotting this shop in Knutsford...
Would have been cool if Arthur had retired to K'ford though.
One other desperate and superbly clumsy reference took my fancy on the crawl into Stoke. I had to turn around and waste 3 minutes to secure this entertainment for you. Ungrateful shower of b**tards, as Gary might have said...
McKinley Morganfield er, Stoke Delta.
The last 10 miles were that tiring I actually had my first moment of doubt and pain (cheers Jags): if this is how I am after only an 80 mile stage then wtf state am I going to be in when the real miles happen? Well, in such an event there can only realistically be one course of action...a few jars, a big old steak abd hope for a better day tomorrow!
Almost forgot: my stats...best not to look at the HR...
After three posts and over fifteen hundred visits to this blog, I think it might be an idea to shed a bit of light on what each of the three charities that you either are or hopefully will be supporting in the very near future actually do with our money.
Some of the following stuff isn't exactly comedy material, but if you've read the blog so far you are well used to that by now.
In alphabetical order then...
Marie Curie Cancer Care has 2,000 nurses in the UK and last year they worked for over 1,200,000 hours caring for terminally ill patients, including half of all cancer patients who die at home.
They also have nine hospices and are the biggest provider of hospice beds outside the NHS. In total, Marie Curie spends over £80 million a year on its charitable activities of providing care as well as on research and development. That figure is massive but so is the comfort that our money provides.
Next up we have...
The Royal British Legion has been providing support to both past and serving members of the British Armed Forces for 92 years. What did that mean in 1921 and how does it differ now?
The main purpose of the Legion was straightforward: to care for those who had suffered as a result of service in the Armed Forces in the Great War, whether through their own service or through that of a husband, father or son. The suffering took many forms: the effect of a war wound on a man's ability to earn a living and support his family; or a war widow's struggle to give her children an education.
The Legion still fulfils that task but has expanded to champion the case of veterans and serving personnel and their families, provide practical advice with benefits and/or compensation, care homes, a free handy van service, rehabilitation centres, loans and of course the remembrance of past conflicts and those who gave everything. No matter what your political leanings are, it is difficult to argue against supporting such a cause.
And finally there is the...
This charity may not quite as familiar to you as the other two but that is changing. It's premise is so simple yet so worthwhile. Around seven young people aged between 13 and 24 are diagnosed with cancer every day in the UK, and over 21 years Teenage Cancer Trust has learnt a lot about what it’s like to be a young person with cancer - their unique emotional, physical and practical needs. Because Teenage Cancer Trust understands, they can provide better care, better services and hopefully a more positive outcome for young people.
It's fair to say that there’s never a good time to get cancer, but for a teenager the timing seems particularly cruel. Young people can get some of the most rare and aggressive forms of cancer, and their rapidly changing bodies can work against them, enabling the cancer to grow faster. The emotional upheaval of adolescence can make a cancer diagnosis even harder to cope with.
Without the work of Teenage Cancer Trust, young people with cancer would be treated alongside children or elderly patients at the end of their lives. Being away from your normal life, friends and environment at such a vulnerable time is the last thing they need. And this is where our money comes in: it enables the TCT to build and sustain specialist wards and units within NHS hospitals that care for young people. It is that simple!
Ok folks, if you have managed to sit through that little lot then you deserve some of the usual nonsense. Bring on some Tommy Cooper...make sure you read these shockers in your best T.C. impersonation...just like that!
"I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?' The bloke said 'Kenwood'. I said, 'OK, where is he then?'"
No? Alright how about...
"Man goes to the doctors, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'"
Hmm, difficult crowd in tonight- best go for the 'A' material...
"A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits."
There's no pleasing some people...
All packed and ready for the off on Friday lunchtime...right around when the rain should arrive, d'oh! Was gonna weigh that set-up but decided against as I'd only obsess and complain about it for 8 days solid. So that means I'll just obsess and complain about how much I *think* it weighs instead, hah-hah! Suffice to say it ain't featherweight. #racelightmyarse Thanks to some extraordinarily generous people the totals are building, with Marie Curie at £1500, the Teenage Cancer Trust at £900 plus change and the Royal British Legion lagging at £650 or so. I know there is more to come. There'll certainly be more ramblings from this end, hah-hah!
Looks more like Hammer doing the 'running man', hah-hah!
If you want to help then please click on the links below or top right. Thank you!
Ok, we'll do it slightly different this time around: if you play the vid below then that'll give you almost four minutes to read this drivel, hah-hah!
You better not mess with Merv The Swerve...
Every day I get people stopping to ask me just what my route out to Italy will be, just how long each stage is, how much climbing is involved: you get the picture. Alright, hardly anyone is asking me but that ain't gonna stop me telling you anyway, hah-hah!
So here we go with varying degrees of awfulness...please no rain or headwinds or mechanicals, thanks all the same!
Friday 30th August, stage 1. Warton to Stoke: 80 miles and 1500'
Saturday 31st August, stage 2. Stoke to Fenstanton: 130 miles and 3000'. The 'carrot' is that Palace v Sunderland is on Sky at 5.30pm, so let's get this done. Or not, hah-hah!
Sunday 1st September, stage 3. Fenstanton to Harwich: 90 miles and 2000'
Monday 2nd September, stage 4. The Hook to Venlo: 135 miles and 1000'
Tuesday 3rd September, stage 5. Venlo to Westerburg: 120 miles and 3500'
Wednesday 4th September, stage 6. Westerburg to Marktheidenfeld: 115 miles and 6500'
Thursday 5th September, stage 7. Marktheidenfeld to Eichstatt: 120 miles and 5000'
Friday 6th September, stage 8. Eichstatt to Bad Aibling: 100 miles and 3000'
Saturday 7th September, stage 9. Bad Aibling to Jochberg: 60 miles and 3000'
At this point I was going to have a quiet rest day...perhaps a couple of beers, just take the mudguards, rack and panniers off the bike in readiness for the proper mountain stages, and kick-back while the 20 or so other eejits are flown out in the lap of luxury to join me.
Then my cycling roomie had a brain-wave and suggested a warm-up climb once he and they had all arrived and got sorted. Regrettably the event organiser (take a bow Mr Ekless!) thought this was a Good Idea.
I can only offer up Team Sky rider Bernie Eisel's words: "It starts off bad and then gets worse and worse all the way up." Lord help us...
Sunday 8th September, stage 10. The profile of The Kitzbuhler Horn, just outside er, Kitzbuhel. 6 miles and 4000'. Take a bow, Il Tractore: already the most popular guy. I would check your brakes...
From there we crack on up the Southern Alps and into The Dolomites, which is pretty much a continuation of last year's Alpine and Pyrenean lunacy. Have I learnt absolutely nothing? Apparently not.
Monday 9th September, stage 11. Jochberg to Oberdrauburg: 90 miles and 9000'
Tuesday 10th September, stage 12. Oberdrauburg to Auronzo: 80 miles and 12000'
Wednesday 11th September, stage 13. Auronzo to Bolzan Bozen: 85 miles and 10000'
Thursday 12th September, stage 14. Bolzan Bozen to Bormio: 80 miles and 9000'...STOP PRESS...my ex-mate has had another bright idea and apparently we're also going up The Gavia so that'll be 110 miles and over 13000'. Oh good.
Friday 13th September, stage 15. Bormio to Bagolino: 80 miles and 10000'
I have been assured (although I'll believe it when I see it) that the following stage on Saturday 14th September is really a bit of a cake-walk to the shores of Lake Garda, followed by a few light ales and much lounging.
Cake-walk, you said. Stats say...50 miles and 4500'. Alright, if means a Birra Moretti then we'll do it!
On the Sunday all the sensible people pack up their shiny carbon fibre bikes and clear-off home to the UK, whereas myself and Il Tractore will accompany our colleagues to Verona Airport but only to collect a hire car and then drive back up to the Alta Badia region. Hang on, didn't we just cycle through there a few days ago?
Yes. Yes we did and evidently we liked it so much that we want to sample it's outrageous gradients one more time. The plan is to tack on three bonus days of misery during which we will tackle one of the worst one day sportives going: Maratona des Dolomites.
Maratona des Dolomites: 85 miles and almost 14000'. Nice.
Once that nonsense is accounted for then I'm all done. End of. It's time to head for Verona and some more light ales, sight-seeing and maybe some opera. Well, we'll see about the opera...
Oh, just one more thing- congratulations to the England cricket team for winning the home Ashes series: in reality it was a lot closer than most people thought it would be between two pretty ordinary (at times) sides.
That said, both teams produced some moments of magic out in the square and during one of my planned 'lulls' in training I was lucky enough to see a couple of day's play at Old Trafford.
I also got to briefly meet one of the giants of recent Australian Ashes teams, Mr Merv Hughes. Intimidating looking still, 'tache and all...but an absolute gent!
Merv's on the left.
Jimmy Anderson gives it some 'Crouching Tiger...'.
Actually, before I close I'll just say THANK YOU to everyone who has sponsored/donated so far. The totals are coming along, with Marie Curie almost at £1200, Teenage Cancer almost £800 and the Royal British Legion lagging at almost £300. Hopefully we're going to change all that.
If you want to help then please click on the links below or top right. Nice one.
